Today, I went back to read through my old posts. I am now disappointed in myself for not posting more journals in the past few years. I want to start from where I left off, a few days before my prerequisites to nursing. I thought this would be the paramount experience of my life. However, the first time entering a college classroom was much more terrifying than an “experience.” The first semester at the North Idaho College, I attended an A&P class that was a step down from the nursing prerequisite Anatomy and Physiology. In this class, I went to the Sandpoint campus, and attended a lab. Otherwise, all of my classes were online including the lecture for this lab. My lab teacher was an older, slightly eccentric lady, who loved the human body, and did an amazing job of easing me into my A&P prerequisites. She was loud, lived off the land, and did not put with anything from anyone. She showed us how to cut up sheep brains, pig hearts, sheep plucks, and cow eyeballs. My lab partner was an older lady with kids who was slightly challenged in the area of learning. She had been working on nursing prerequisites for more than a year already. She answered many of my questions and helped me understand so many things about attending college and the expectations of teachers. Without her, I would not be as far as a I am today. She met with me, retaught me how to study, and listened to me learn. I do think she became discouraged when at the end of the semester, I could tell and teach her far more than she knew. The information from this class I found so engrossing, I could study for hours and lose track of time. I think I was also in a beginners English class 101 and some kind of cultural class.
During this time of life, I worked at Sunset Home Assisted Living Facility 2-3 days per week. I also began to redo the basement at my parents so I could have my own space to live out of. I guess at 24 I was feeling I needed somewhere to go where I had my own privacy. I remember this being a bit of a dark winter, and when the spring came, it was the most beautiful thing that I had ever experienced. I have a vivid memory of coming out of the testing center in May in Sandpoint after taking my finals, looking around at the green and slightly warm world, and feeling so liberated and alive. I walked slowly across the pavement to my parent’s Ford 500, and was just happy. Although I had my own vehicle at this point, a 2008 Jeep Commander, I drove the hefalump because it did much better on fuel. My Jeep did about 12 miles to the gallon. I drove the hefalump to the closest store, which happened to be a healthy store, bought an expensive and yummy bar of chocolate, and drove home with a light feeling in my heart. Little did I know this would be the beginning of a ritual for me every time I took a final for a class. An extravagant snack and a drive to somewhere that makes me happy.
Another vivid memory I have of this first semester, was trying to figure out how to write an essay for college. One day, I set up a zoom call with my instructor. The NIC at this point was still in two buildings, the small annex beside the old brick building and the top story of the old brick building. This brick building had deep windowsills and quaint nooks. I took my computer up to the top story, found a secluded nook, looked outside at the rain falling, and was enchanted by the nostalgic feeling that permeated the place. The professor was the nicest guy, listened to my questions, and showed me where I could improve. When it was time to go, I remember wishing I could stay all day and settle in for the afternoon to watch the rain fall.
When I became tired of working at Sunset Home I do not know, but one day in June I decided to check Indeed. I found a job at Sandpoint Surgical Associates. Without much thought, I submitted my application and resume. The surprise when Annie called me and wanted an interview. I did not know how to dress, and I worried about meeting the doctor who was going to be in my interview. At this time in my life, I had never done a job interview, I did not know what to expect, plus I had looked online at the doctor’s pictures, and I was really unsure of what I was getting myself into. I went to the interview and left fairly certain I had the job. Sure enough, two days later I got a call that they wanted to hire me. What was I thinking? I still wonder to this day.
I remember taking six credits over the summer which was an intercultural communication class and one other. I also did two, close to three weeks of house sitting somewhere in here for a very unthankful lady. I almost let her ruin my summer as she told me I was not reliable if I remember right. I now think back to this time and laugh. I was probably the most reliable person at this point in my life. I could not sleep for a few nights, and so I went and slept at home, however, I did go to her house, pet her cat, feed her cat, played with her cat, and made sure it came home in the evenings. This was a faith building, eye opening experience to people who are controlling and narcissistic. I felt watched in this house and uncomfortable the entire time.
I started work at SSA around middle of June or beginning of July. The bulk of patients were middle to elderly aged people who needed screening colonoscopies or diagnostic colonoscopies. I can still nearly tell you the bowel prep from memory a year and a half later. I also purchased a 2018 Jeep Renegade with a turbo. During this summer and fall, I started staying at a campsite along the Pend Oreille Lake. I have some of the best memories of late night swims, and early morning dunks. Towards fall, I stayed in the campsite for week after school started. It was around nine in the evening when my lab at the North Idaho College let out, and I would drive back an hour to Sandpoint for the night. One night there was one of those last rip roaring thunder storms of the late summer, the wind was whipping, the lightning was flashing, and there was a wild feel in the air. I drove into my campsite, put on my headlamp, made me some supper of rice and bone broth on my burner, finished up a lesson on my computer for Psych 101, and realized how alive being outside made me feel. I climbed into my sleeping bag with the lightning still flashing, and went to sleep.
The doldrums of winter hit. Driving to Sandpoint and CDA became a dreary and dreaded task on slick roads. I became so tired, I could not wake to my alarms. I would leave the house around seven in the morning and if it was a no school day, I would get back to the house around 5:30 or 6. Although this is not that long of a day, I was taking school full time, so that meant that I had five or six hours of school work after work. On days that I had lab, I left the house around 7, went to work until 4 and drove for everything I had to reach class by 5 at the NIC. Class technically let out at 8:30, and sometimes I would go to Mongolian BBQ afterwards. Here I made friends with some guy who started recognizing me and new what I wanted before I asked. I usually would get back to Sandpoint around 9:30pm and would stay in the cheapest motel there.
Thanksgiving. I will try to explain what happened this Thanksgiving. However, no words can describe the absolute physical and mental exhaustion I was in. I also started being really sick around this time again. Although I really do not want this blog to touch much on sickness, I became severely depressed. I was the only CNA at SSA, and at times felt so overwhelmed I did not know where to start. There were three doctors there by then, and just me to support patients. I felt there was no help for me and my gut issues. All I could think of was leaving. I did not care where or what happened to me. This was not much of an option until after our family thanksgiving, which I packed my car with hiking gear, and went to Glacier National Park. I rented a little minimalist room in Columbia Falls. To be totally honest, I felt very sick this trip, but it got me away from the normal demands of life. I spent two nights here. On day one, I went to East Glacier, and drove up as far as I could into the park. I was the only person I saw the entire day. As I drove up to East Glacier, I could see the Park had a completely different weather system running through it. In the barren fields of the reservation before the park, the sun was shining. But, between the peaks of the mountains as I drove into the Park, there was no sunshine, just whipping grey clouds, wind, and some blowing snow. I hiked up the deserted Going to the Sun Road which was strewn with rocks. St. Mary Lake had ocean sized waves crashing against its banks, and as I rounded the bend in the road around Rising Sun, I got the first glimpse into the rest of the Park. Although there was not much visibility I could see what looked like a blizzard happening. Wild Goose Island stood stark against the crashing waves. I hiked back down to the lake, and wandered along its cold and deserted banks for I don’t know how long. Soon I realized that the wind was becoming stronger, and it was becoming difficult to walk, so I wandered back to my vehicle, and drove the road back to Columbia Falls. The next day I went into Glacier on the West side, and hiked a ways on a trail that was down a stunning winter wonderland road. I have not driven down this road since, and should go back exploring to see if I can find it again. I also ate either microwaved meals or nothing. This little solace did more good for my soul than I even realized at the time, and I came back ready to tackle life again.
I returned back to school, to work, and to home life as if nothing had happened. But inside of my soul, something was on fire, burning that change was coming. I was burning to be outdoors, but also to change my life. I have a memory of feeling fat, somewhat unhealthy, as well as unwanted, and forgotten. I wished God was more present in my life, but He felt so far away I did not know if I would ever reach Him again. I felt sad that no change really came, and I continued on with life.
I have no memory of this Christmas. I do have a brief memory of one night, sitting in my chair by my computer, finishing up school work after a shower with little clothing on, and the carolers came. I quickly shut off my lights and hoped no one had peaked into my window before I reached my light switch. I listened to the carolers with absolutely no feeling of jubilation that Jesus had been born. This is the first time I remember feeling like my brain and my life were dead due to brain fog and sleep deprivation. I think as a family we ate out this Christmas and walked the boardwalk down by CDA lake. I remember feeling so sick, I wished I had not agreed to go with the family. I have feeling that heralding in 2023 was experienced from my bed or else eating candy with Hannah down by the Kootenai River.
nursing jan 