• A Work of the Mind

    This next posting should be updated daily, and is for the exercise of my brain through writing and remembering small facts from each day. This story may take unexpected turns, but it is ultimately for the recovery of my brain after a brain injury. It is to be a complete work of fiction on a forgotten era of human life.

    I have recently found a writing that was translated from the year 411. This year, a Conference of Carthage took place. This was a debate between the Donatists and the Catholics. I will attempt to build a storyline around Carthage, possibly this event, but with as many truthful events as possible surrounding my fictitious figures.

    Within the walls of the small garden, a brown rat scampered back and forth, gathering wheat kernels from the ragged hole she had chewed in the wheat sack that lay discarded in the weed-infested garden. From the walls of the garden issued the cry of a warbler in their shy, throaty notes. The sea breezes floated in and touched the olive trees’ huge, unpruned crown and quietly passed over a sleeping form on the bench near the gate.

    From outside the gate issued noises of a busy Mediterranean city, Carthage. Wheels of carts on cobbled streets, shouts of men at impudent animals, and the distant din of a market.

    The garden seemed at sharp contrast to the world outside its gates. Where the world outside rapidly grew and changed, the small world within the gates appeared frozen in time. Even the figure sleeping near the gate appeared to be frozen in time. Their small, olive face was surrounded with dark hair, and their form was covered with a too large and fraying tunic stuck to their sweaty body. A beetle crawled across their arm and caused them to stir. Although the arms moved and the eyes opened, the little figure’s legs never moved.

  • Joseph Had A Dream

    Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more. 6 He said to them, “Listen to this dream I had: 7 We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it.”

    8 His brothers said to him, “Do you intend to reign over us? Will you actually rule us?” And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.

    9 Then he had another dream, and he told it to his brothers. “Listen,” he said, “I had another dream, and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me.”

    10 When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, “What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?” 11 His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind….

    17b So Joseph went after his brothers and found them near Dothan. 18 But they saw him in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to kill him.

    19 “Here comes that dreamer!” they said to each other. 20 “Come now, let’s kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we’ll see what comes of his dreams…”

    28 So when the Midianite merchants came by, his brothers pulled Joseph up out of the cistern and sold him for twenty shekels[b] of silver to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt.

    This lesson in the bible is a reminder that not all dreams come true in a perfect way.

    Joseph had so many things go wrong. His brothers hated him, he had strange dreams that caused them to hate him more, and then was sold to men from a different country. However, he held on to his dream without wavering. Here he was, in a strange land many miles away from his family, and yet he continued on with a knowing that his dreams came from God and would be fulfilled.

    Life does not always hand dreams that are encased in perfection and straightforward answers. They include high mountains, steps backward, pain, and despair. Just as Joseph experienced, as God gave him a dream, there was a chain of circumstances that made him dig deeper into his trust in the Lord than he ever had been before. Every happening seemed wrong, but they all led to the dream God had given him. There is no perfect life, no perfect gift, and no perfect answer. God, in his love, sees what problems I am facing, allows things to happen to strengthen me, and in the end, if I trust, find peace and fulfillment in his plan.

    Although I have never experienced anything so lonely as being cast into a pit by my very family, the experience that happened in the last year of my life taught me that God’s plan and dreams he provides are not a smooth, understandable path. In February 2025, after running around in the school gym for about an hour, I went outside to cool off in the negative degrees. Rounding a corner, I evidently hit a patch of ice, and everything went black. I remember feeling nauseous and limping to my vehicle. I experienced some word slurring, but it seemed to clear. I went home, went to sleep, woke up the next day with maybe a slight headache, and took the morning off. Sometime during this time, I do have a slight memory of the light feeling so bright and trying not to vomit after my multiple-mile runs. Two weeks later, I discovered that sitting in lecture was so overstimulating that I had to leave. I was unable to follow the course of the lecture and felt oddly disconnected from my body. Over the next few weeks, I lost my ability to read and remember. Walking became so difficult, as lifting my legs was nearly impossible. I was so foggy in my brain, I was not even thinking in full thoughts. My mom had to come live with me, drive me to class, and overall, hold me up. I went to vestibular rehab, which was slow and unpleasant.

    This explanation leads me to how this step on the road felt like the ultimate derailment of my dreams. I had been building castles in the sky of becoming a high acuity nurse in a unit. However, I was barely able to read and struggled to even put together enough thought to take care of my patients during my clinical rotations. My personal walk with God had been on the decline over the last few years, and I became so depressed, I wondered why I was alive. I thought back to a prayer I had prayed that God would cause something to happen to me that would bring me closer to Him. This seemed like the answer to that prayer, as over the last year, I have drawn from His grace and become a more trusting and faithful follower. I believe I was led to nursing by God, but I took that dream into my own hands and was not following His plan. I built my own agenda. Speaking with the pastors of my church before my concussion, I was urged to lay it all down. I thought I did, but God called me to more. In April 2025, I was put on a medication. This medication caused me to cry incessantly and feel so depressed. I went to Taryn, my instructor, and tearfully told her I was quitting nursing. She urged me to continue on, and they would help me. What followed were scary times of losing peripheral vision, severe instability when walking, and severe nausea. However, with the support of my family, instructors, and God, I made it through the spring quarter of my Junior year. I refused to quit my job, as I wanted to be independent, so I continued working through the summer. I would leave work with my heart rate extremely high and a strange buzzing feeling in my head. My headaches were so severe that I was unable to do anything besides lie on my bed after work. Around the end of August, I humbled myself and asked for a leave of absence from my job. I came home, went on a trip to the coast with my parents, and ultimately, resigned from my position at the Boys and Girls Club at the very beginning of September. This started an involving and humbling healing journey.

    I have learned so many things from my experience and also a renewed vision of Jesus as my Savior. I have seen my dreams come true in miraculous ways. Although my dreams were given to me by God, I have had to be willing for people in my life and allow others to serve me. Joseph was sent to prison for a crime he never committed, but most unimaginably, he found his way to the dream God had created for him. I feel like God has seen me through such difficult times, walked with me, led me, carried me, and spoken to me even when I was so depressed I was unsure of what I should do. God speaks in quiet and understandable ways, not in earth-shattering signs. He taught us this when He was born in the stable. The ones who were awake were told, but the ones who slept and were not watching did not even know of the miracle in that ordinary stable. God is ever by the side of His children and will see them through the circumstances of their lives. Ultimately, God is a dream-giver and a faithful God who will see them through to completion. Unfailing faith, even when it is small, can grow to an amazing outcome.

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  • The Two Days of Indecision: How Jenae Decides To Change Her Life

    https://visitidaho.org/things-to-do/hiking-backpacking/coeur-dalenes-old-mission-state-park/

    Well, the age I had always said would be my deciding point of no return was coming. I had always said if by 25 I was not married, I would go to nursing school. I would swear off marriage forever. I would become an old maid, nurse Nancy. I was nearly 25, and would turn the dreaded age in just a few months. How was I supposed to decide what the plan was for my life? I had asked God, I had searched my heart, and I had my own ideas. I felt drawn to a few days of isolation to come to a decision.

    I’m really not sure what happened inside of my brain, but I looked at the map and decided that riding from Cataldo Mission to Wallace, Idaho, would solve my indecision. I booked a night in CDA and chose my days.

    On a crisp fall morning in 2021, I loaded my bike in my Jeep, checked the oil, and checked the tire pressure. I packed a water bottle, a change of clothes, and my phone charger. I can still picture the azure blue sky as I came up over the Fourth of July Pass, and descended towards Cataldo Mission. The yellow larches shone amongst dark green pines. The shadowy forest floor was dark but dotted with colorful underbrush. I stopped at the Mission, and wandered the grounds, enjoying letting my brain time travel back to the 1850s when indigenous peoples and the Jesuits passed through the doors. I could feel the spirits of long deceased elders contending with the white man’s beliefs. The creak of the door in the deserted church sprung images of an Italian priest, Father Ravalli, standing where I stood almost 200 years before, surveying the landscape. I could imagine curious eyes peering from behind trees to see what the “white girl” was doing in their land. I found a quiet, dilapidated cemetery down past the mission where a some undefinable feeling pervaded the air.

    Mid-morning, I left the mission, found a place to park, unloaded my bike, and began to ride. The trail passed through fields, along the river, and through forests. Men in hunting gear stared at me as I rode by. An old bridge over the river beckoned, so I detoured and spent some time on the bridge watching the water. Nearing Wallace, the sun disappeared, and rain started to fall. I took out my poncho, and continued riding. I rode until I saw the lake. The wind was blowing so hard over the lake, I could not make much headway, so I turned and started pedaling back. Now it was cold, cold to the bone. My hands went numb, and my toes started to lose feeling. When I reached my Jeep, I could barely make my fingers work enough to load my bike back in. With heaters blowing, I started back to Fourth of July Pass. About to the top, my vehicle started to smoke and smell funny. I pulled over at the top, turned off my Jeep, and waited until the steam (smoke?) stopped rolling out from under the hood. I checked my oil, saw it had burned a lot since my last oil check, and then coasted down into CDA.

    The hotel turned out to be a win and a lose. I had been dreaming of the hot tub but, of course, that was closed. However, they gave me a suite with a huge tub. I ran a full tub of steaming hot water, made some hot tea, got a book, and slid down under the warmth. I sat in that water until it turned cold.

    At some point, my ride actually loaded onto Strava and showed nearly 70 miles of riding that day. The next day, I could not sit comfortably. Somewhere in here, I became settled on the idea that I really wanted to pursue nursing. It was not an audible voice of God, it was not a sudden feeling, it was a quiet knowing. I drove home the next day with this knowledge.

    Thinking back on this experience, I wish I could pinpoint a prayer I prayed, or a memory of how I communed with God, however, I know He rode with me on this bike ride. I know He guided my thoughts. I had nearly 10 hours of complete and utter silence. Other than the hunters and a couple walkers, I had no one to talk to. I was utterly alone. I became willing somewhere in here for never having my own family. Although people tell me it can still happen, I did feel God asked me to lay this down. I came home with a resolve that God did not want me to get married or have my own children. He was calling me to a different life. So although I was quietly settled and happy driving home, I had a bit of sadness in my soul.

    In this time, I also felt God moving me to read the story of Esther and Daniel. He said if I had courage like them, I would be successful. If I need to be reminded, all I need to do is reread these books in the Bible. These are people who have faced harder trials than most people will ever face, and they stood with faith, and obeyed God.

    And He changeth the times and the seasons: He removeth Kings, and setteth up Kings: He giveth wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know, understanding. (Daniel 2:21)

    My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions’ mouths, that they have not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innocency was found in me; and also before thee, O king, have I done no hurt. (Daniel 6:22)

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  • Short Memory Blurbs From Fall 2021-2022

    Today, I went back to read through my old posts. I am now disappointed in myself for not posting more journals in the past few years. I want to start from where I left off, a few days before my prerequisites to nursing. I thought this would be the paramount experience of my life. However, the first time entering a college classroom was much more terrifying than an “experience.” The first semester at the North Idaho College, I attended an A&P class that was a step down from the nursing prerequisite Anatomy and Physiology. In this class, I went to the Sandpoint campus, and attended a lab. Otherwise, all of my classes were online including the lecture for this lab. My lab teacher was an older, slightly eccentric lady, who loved the human body, and did an amazing job of easing me into my A&P prerequisites. She was loud, lived off the land, and did not put with anything from anyone. She showed us how to cut up sheep brains, pig hearts, sheep plucks, and cow eyeballs. My lab partner was an older lady with kids who was slightly challenged in the area of learning. She had been working on nursing prerequisites for more than a year already. She answered many of my questions and helped me understand so many things about attending college and the expectations of teachers. Without her, I would not be as far as a I am today. She met with me, retaught me how to study, and listened to me learn. I do think she became discouraged when at the end of the semester, I could tell and teach her far more than she knew. The information from this class I found so engrossing, I could study for hours and lose track of time. I think I was also in a beginners English class 101 and some kind of cultural class.

    During this time of life, I worked at Sunset Home Assisted Living Facility 2-3 days per week. I also began to redo the basement at my parents so I could have my own space to live out of. I guess at 24 I was feeling I needed somewhere to go where I had my own privacy. I remember this being a bit of a dark winter, and when the spring came, it was the most beautiful thing that I had ever experienced. I have a vivid memory of coming out of the testing center in May in Sandpoint after taking my finals, looking around at the green and slightly warm world, and feeling so liberated and alive. I walked slowly across the pavement to my parent’s Ford 500, and was just happy. Although I had my own vehicle at this point, a 2008 Jeep Commander, I drove the hefalump because it did much better on fuel. My Jeep did about 12 miles to the gallon. I drove the hefalump to the closest store, which happened to be a healthy store, bought an expensive and yummy bar of chocolate, and drove home with a light feeling in my heart. Little did I know this would be the beginning of a ritual for me every time I took a final for a class. An extravagant snack and a drive to somewhere that makes me happy.

    Another vivid memory I have of this first semester, was trying to figure out how to write an essay for college. One day, I set up a zoom call with my instructor. The NIC at this point was still in two buildings, the small annex beside the old brick building and the top story of the old brick building. This brick building had deep windowsills and quaint nooks. I took my computer up to the top story, found a secluded nook, looked outside at the rain falling, and was enchanted by the nostalgic feeling that permeated the place. The professor was the nicest guy, listened to my questions, and showed me where I could improve. When it was time to go, I remember wishing I could stay all day and settle in for the afternoon to watch the rain fall.

    When I became tired of working at Sunset Home I do not know, but one day in June I decided to check Indeed. I found a job at Sandpoint Surgical Associates. Without much thought, I submitted my application and resume. The surprise when Annie called me and wanted an interview. I did not know how to dress, and I worried about meeting the doctor who was going to be in my interview. At this time in my life, I had never done a job interview, I did not know what to expect, plus I had looked online at the doctor’s pictures, and I was really unsure of what I was getting myself into. I went to the interview and left fairly certain I had the job. Sure enough, two days later I got a call that they wanted to hire me. What was I thinking? I still wonder to this day.

    I remember taking six credits over the summer which was an intercultural communication class and one other. I also did two, close to three weeks of house sitting somewhere in here for a very unthankful lady. I almost let her ruin my summer as she told me I was not reliable if I remember right. I now think back to this time and laugh. I was probably the most reliable person at this point in my life. I could not sleep for a few nights, and so I went and slept at home, however, I did go to her house, pet her cat, feed her cat, played with her cat, and made sure it came home in the evenings. This was a faith building, eye opening experience to people who are controlling and narcissistic. I felt watched in this house and uncomfortable the entire time.

    I started work at SSA around middle of June or beginning of July. The bulk of patients were middle to elderly aged people who needed screening colonoscopies or diagnostic colonoscopies. I can still nearly tell you the bowel prep from memory a year and a half later. I also purchased a 2018 Jeep Renegade with a turbo. During this summer and fall, I started staying at a campsite along the Pend Oreille Lake. I have some of the best memories of late night swims, and early morning dunks. Towards fall, I stayed in the campsite for week after school started. It was around nine in the evening when my lab at the North Idaho College let out, and I would drive back an hour to Sandpoint for the night. One night there was one of those last rip roaring thunder storms of the late summer, the wind was whipping, the lightning was flashing, and there was a wild feel in the air. I drove into my campsite, put on my headlamp, made me some supper of rice and bone broth on my burner, finished up a lesson on my computer for Psych 101, and realized how alive being outside made me feel. I climbed into my sleeping bag with the lightning still flashing, and went to sleep.

    The doldrums of winter hit. Driving to Sandpoint and CDA became a dreary and dreaded task on slick roads. I became so tired, I could not wake to my alarms. I would leave the house around seven in the morning and if it was a no school day, I would get back to the house around 5:30 or 6. Although this is not that long of a day, I was taking school full time, so that meant that I had five or six hours of school work after work. On days that I had lab, I left the house around 7, went to work until 4 and drove for everything I had to reach class by 5 at the NIC. Class technically let out at 8:30, and sometimes I would go to Mongolian BBQ afterwards. Here I made friends with some guy who started recognizing me and new what I wanted before I asked. I usually would get back to Sandpoint around 9:30pm and would stay in the cheapest motel there.

    Thanksgiving. I will try to explain what happened this Thanksgiving. However, no words can describe the absolute physical and mental exhaustion I was in. I also started being really sick around this time again. Although I really do not want this blog to touch much on sickness, I became severely depressed. I was the only CNA at SSA, and at times felt so overwhelmed I did not know where to start. There were three doctors there by then, and just me to support patients. I felt there was no help for me and my gut issues. All I could think of was leaving. I did not care where or what happened to me. This was not much of an option until after our family thanksgiving, which I packed my car with hiking gear, and went to Glacier National Park. I rented a little minimalist room in Columbia Falls. To be totally honest, I felt very sick this trip, but it got me away from the normal demands of life. I spent two nights here. On day one, I went to East Glacier, and drove up as far as I could into the park. I was the only person I saw the entire day. As I drove up to East Glacier, I could see the Park had a completely different weather system running through it. In the barren fields of the reservation before the park, the sun was shining. But, between the peaks of the mountains as I drove into the Park, there was no sunshine, just whipping grey clouds, wind, and some blowing snow. I hiked up the deserted Going to the Sun Road which was strewn with rocks. St. Mary Lake had ocean sized waves crashing against its banks, and as I rounded the bend in the road around Rising Sun, I got the first glimpse into the rest of the Park. Although there was not much visibility I could see what looked like a blizzard happening. Wild Goose Island stood stark against the crashing waves. I hiked back down to the lake, and wandered along its cold and deserted banks for I don’t know how long. Soon I realized that the wind was becoming stronger, and it was becoming difficult to walk, so I wandered back to my vehicle, and drove the road back to Columbia Falls. The next day I went into Glacier on the West side, and hiked a ways on a trail that was down a stunning winter wonderland road. I have not driven down this road since, and should go back exploring to see if I can find it again. I also ate either microwaved meals or nothing. This little solace did more good for my soul than I even realized at the time, and I came back ready to tackle life again.

    I returned back to school, to work, and to home life as if nothing had happened. But inside of my soul, something was on fire, burning that change was coming. I was burning to be outdoors, but also to change my life. I have a memory of feeling fat, somewhat unhealthy, as well as unwanted, and forgotten. I wished God was more present in my life, but He felt so far away I did not know if I would ever reach Him again. I felt sad that no change really came, and I continued on with life.

    I have no memory of this Christmas. I do have a brief memory of one night, sitting in my chair by my computer, finishing up school work after a shower with little clothing on, and the carolers came. I quickly shut off my lights and hoped no one had peaked into my window before I reached my light switch. I listened to the carolers with absolutely no feeling of jubilation that Jesus had been born. This is the first time I remember feeling like my brain and my life were dead due to brain fog and sleep deprivation. I think as a family we ate out this Christmas and walked the boardwalk down by CDA lake. I remember feeling so sick, I wished I had not agreed to go with the family. I have feeling that heralding in 2023 was experienced from my bed or else eating candy with Hannah down by the Kootenai River.

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  • The Beginning of a Journey

    This was written on Jan. 3, 2022

    This journey I have often dreamed of happened in April 2014 when I went to CNA classes. I have one memory from the first day of class: “How will I ever do this?”. I went to work at Sunset Home Assisted Living Facility as a caregiver. I wondered what I had decided to do during my first few weeks of work because I really disliked it. This work was not for me. But the work grew on me. Every time I thought of continuing on and getting my nursing degree, I would remember how I fainted out cold when I watched the phlebotomist draw a lady’s blood in the lab. Well, another dream down the hole. But…. I went to Gallup and volunteered in the childcare shelter. While there I took kids to the Doctor I realized I never felt like I was going to pass out when they got shots or their blood drawn. Why? I will never know. Moral of the story: I hope I don’t faint in my first IV… Fast forward to now (3 days till my first pre-requisite class) and sometimes I wake up and I think, I will never do this… In the middle of the day, it seemed like a great idea. Well, so life goes. Every time a new thing starts for me, this is what happens. The moment where I say it won’t work, but unfortunately I am in too far now to quit. If I don’t try I will never know. And then there is the question of why you decided to be a nurse. What should the answer be? This is the best one I have thought of. I love to help people when they are sick. I like to ease their pain and make it just a bit better. Or just to talk to people when they need someone to talk to. I am a loner by all standards. Yes, there are days I just want to be alone. So to the mountains I go to find silence and peace. Somehow I just picked a people job.

    Now it is hard to remember what the beginning dream felt like, as I am in my Junior year, and spend many hours in the hospital working as a student nurse. I did not faint on my first IV, in fact, I felt quite exhilarated. But, I do want to take a moment to reflect on the day I nearly dropped nursing school in September 2024. I totaled my car on my drive home from orientation to Logan Health, I changed jobs, and I was feeling overwhelmed with school. I started to type out an email to one of my nursing instructors, which I deleted and called my dad instead for some advice. He said I had to put too much work in to drop out now. I am so thankful for those words now. However, just a week ago, I started feeling down about the amount of work I am doing to achieve this goal, and wanted to drop it all again. I am not sure what happened over the last few weeks but I have felt depressed. When this starts happening, I lose my ability to concentrate and all of my drive to go to work and get my school assignments done on time. The dark winter months and working nearly 36-40 hours per week are starting to take their toll. I am currently taking 16 credits, which include mental health, med-surg 2, ethics and issues, and maternal child. No words can prepare a nursing student for the overwhelmed and blue feeling of a dark winter day with 8 hours of work, 3 hours of class, and 4 hours of homework. However, this too shall pass.

  • Am I Alone?

    JUDGE SOFTLY

    “Pray, don’t find fault with the man that limps,
    Or stumbles along the road.
    Unless you have worn the moccasins he wears,
    Or stumbled beneath the same load.

    There may be tears in his soles that hurt
    Though hidden away from view.
    The burden he bears placed on your back
    May cause you to stumble and fall, too.

    Don’t sneer at the man who is down today
    Unless you have felt the same blow
    That caused his fall or felt the shame
    That only the fallen know.

    You may be strong, but still the blows
    That were his, unknown to you in the same way,
    May cause you to stagger and fall, too.

    Don’t be too harsh with the man that sins.
    Or pelt him with words, or stone, or disdain.
    Unless you are sure you have no sins of your own,
    And it’s only wisdom and love that your heart contains.

    For you know if the tempter’s voice
    Should whisper as soft to you,
    As it did to him when he went astray,
    It might cause you to falter, too.

    Just walk a mile in his moccasins
    Before you abuse, criticize and accuse.
    If just for one hour, you could find a way
    To see through his eyes, instead of your own muse.

    I believe you’d be surprised to see
    That you’ve been blind and narrow-minded, even unkind.
    There are people on reservations and in the ghettos
    Who have so little hope, and too much worry on their minds.

    Brother, there but for the grace of God go you and I.
    Just for a moment, slip into his mind and traditions
    And see the world through his spirit and eyes
    Before you cast a stone or falsely judge his conditions.

    Remember to walk a mile in his moccasins
    And remember the lessons of humanity taught to you by your elders.
    We will be known forever by the tracks we leave
    In other people’s lives, our kindnesses and generosity.

    Take the time to walk a mile in his moccasins.”

    ~ by Mary T. Lathrap, 1895

    https://www.shutterstock.com/search/moccasins?image_type=vector

    This poem is what started the inspiration for the following thoughts.

    Could it be an accident that I live on this earth? Why does God allow such pain to others and myself? This is what I have been asked, and at some point, have asked myself. Why would a God who loves us watch pain that hurts more than words can explain? Has Jesus really “walked in our moccasins?” When questions settle in without reliable answers, a black pit opens into a vast expanse of turbulent water. Turbulent water that hides the answers and is whipped by winds of mystery and black gloom. Through this gloom, whether true or imagined, stand others judging me, unable to understand this struggle. I “sneer at the man who is down,” yet I can’t understand why others now stand there judging me.

    Gloom, I heard this word for the first time before I can remember. To truly understand the meaning of a word, means experiencing it or relating it back to something. Before that it is just a word, thought of in the context of where it is first read. After experiencing black gloom, it becomes a word where I hear dark winds sweeping across a black expanse, where I stand alone, not able to see my hand in front of me. Sometimes I emerge from this expanse, see the light, and then as the human I am, I reach out and try to pull someone else into the expanse with me. Misery loves company. The devil is the best example of this. Then the question comes, God, how can you leave me here? Here in this windswept place, cold to the bone, with no light. But, all is silence. No comforting answer, no warm blanket around me. Just a cold rush of wind in my ears.

    But I have forgotten the most important part of gloom, just like the night does pass, so does the gloom, whether it is pushed out by a busy life or unhealthy ways of living. Unfortunately, dusk comes again, and with it, the night. God’s promise is always there. This brings me to another word; I don’t remember the first time I heard it, but I remember the first time it became more than a word. Faith. I was young, but I can still picture the bright sun shining on the butterfly that had just landed on a flower. The vibrant orange against the purple, contrasting, as its wings slowly moved up and down. Did God really make that flower? Does He really love me and has he truly forgiven my sins? This is the first time, that even with the sun shining, I was slightly frozen inside. This is also when I learned the true meaning of misery loves company. The sneaky devil came and told me, “God doesn’t love you.” Something inside of me froze even harder. I could see God’s creation, but I had listened to the sneaky whisper. At that moment, faith became real. Real, because even at this moment of feeling, I had to have faith that God did love me, no matter how I felt, and He was walking with me.

    That day I wandered through the woods, and for the first time my awe for God’s beauty was slightly diminished. In faith, I prayed and knew that He heard it. Since this time, I have become angry at God, not talked to God, and done things that surely made Him wince in pain; but He has come and walked in my moccasins. I have faith it is true. Why else would I be able to go through the darkest gloom, wish I could die, ignore Him, and still be forgiven by God? I have faith my moccasins were made by the Great Creator. They fit me perfectly. If the Creator had never walked in my moccasins, how would He know how to create them as a perfect match?

    Jesus shows me what “walking in another’s moccasins” means. It is impossible for me to understand and truly love my neighbor, without experiencing what may have caused them pain. But can I bring myself out of my misery, to understand that though I stand in the dark sweeping expanse of gloom, they might be standing at the cliff of despair? Be assured, climbing there, he cut many unseen holes in the bottom of his moccasins. They may need to be repaired. How will I know unless I try them on? I now understand the meaning of the word empathy.

    Out of God’s trail map are found these words, spoken by Jesus when His own friend had betrayed Him to the Roman soldiers, directly after Simon Peter had cut off the ear of a soldier who intended to kill Him. Put up thy sword into the sheath: the cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it? (John 18:11) With these words he healed the soldier’s ear. Jesus did not stop walking in my moccasins for a few miles, He continued on in those same moccasins to the cross, where He gave his life for me. When Jesus died, he gave me salvation. But yet, sometimes I stand in the gloom without faith and blame him for my mess.

    Does someone walk in my moccasins when I stand in gloom? Perhaps not, but my question for myself is, have I walked in someone else’s moccasins before? If I am not following Jesus’s example, why would Jesus walk with me when I have no faith in Him? Bend down, put on someone else’s moccasins, walk with them through the valley, and like Jesus, don’t stop until there is no further to walk. For as Jesus said, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove ye hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. (Matthew 17:20) Even when I don’t feel God, He says faith is so powerful, it can move a mountain. May I share this faith and use this faith in my own life. With faith in God, I can be an empathetic, humble servant.